It's the day after Christmas. I went back to work. I didn't want to, but bills don't pay their self.
I have been a little down lately. To be honest I have been bordering on being Scrooge and the Grinch rolled up in one. I almost asked my mother if I could borrow her t shirt that says...Give me one good reason to smile.
I wondered around for a month, down, bordering on depression, because I knew Christmas was more than what I could buy for someone.
I mean, really, the way Christmas is portrayed in the media, unless you spend a boat load of money, buy the biggest, best and most expensive gift, you don't love your family, your friends, or your co workers.
I prayed. Rather I tried to pray. My feelings were that they weren't going any higher than the ceiling.
When I did try to pray, I got frustrated because I didn't know what to pray for.
My emotions were all over the place. You know how tornadoes have all the wind, all the destructive force in them and the center, or the eye of a tornado it is calm.
That's how I felt.
By looking at me, you would think I was calm. But swirling all around me was debri and self doubt.
Am I supposed to preach? What makes me think that I have anything to say to anyone about God?
I'll never get a better paying job. I'll be struggling the rest of my life. And if I do get another job it will be through a temp service so will I be digging myself deeper in a financial hole? How in the world will I pay the taxes and dr bills that are due plus the regular bills?
Will I ever meet anyone to love? Am I destined to spend the rest of my life alone? If I get sick, who will take care of me? Why haven't I met someone to love? Am I "that" ugly no one would have me?
I felt like crying. All The Time........ And a lot of times .....I did.
You get the picture.
I was looking for a miracle.
Christmas Eve night, the pastor of my church had a Communion service. The way he does it is by families. It is a personal experience. He speaks about the meaning of communion and why we do it, then serves it and then prays for the family.
I went by myself.
I cried all the way to the church and almost didn't go. But I did.
Another family was ahead of me and as I sat in the back of the church waiting my turn, I bowed my head and prayed like I hadn't in a long time.
I asked God to open my eyes and my heart to what he wanted me to know. To show me the way.
I took communion, humbly asking God for forgiveness and to be with me. To show me how blessed I am.
And you know what? He did!
Christmas night, my mama, sisters, nieces, brother in law, and my sons and my daughters came to the house for supper. Just like they do every year.
And this morning on the way to work I realized just how blessed I am.
I saw it in the faces of those precious little girls as they played with their toys they had got from Santa. How they wanted me to play with them. I saw how healthy they are and I thanked God for them.
I saw the 2 yr old playing with my keyboard. She put on headphones (which weren't hooked up) yet she was turning the volume up and dancing and singing. She was so happy (until I unplugged it. ) You can only take so much :)
I saw my family, laughing and talking.
I saw my precious sons and their wives, sitting around the table, playing cards laughing and talking about memories of their childhood. Telling stories about work. And there was some wild stories!
I thought about how the people at the church I preach at once a month, have taken me under their wing and accepted me.
I thought of all the people I have been blessed to know that are not with us anymore.
And I thanked God for all he had shown me.
I'm not perfect. I never will be. I will let doubt creep in.
But, I know that I have someone who loves me with all my faults, all my doubts, all my imperfections.
I still need that financial miracle. But I'll trust God to take care of it for me. I have to, because I can't do it on my own.
I have been working on a Bible study written by Rebecca Aarup called The Word...6 Lessons from Psalm 119. I haven't gotten far in it because I want to take my time and savor every bit of it. So many of the verses stood out to me and touched my heart.
It was exactly what I was needing.
God is like that. When we ask, from the heart, God is just to show us.
Psalm 119:28 I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word.
Psalm 119:37 Turn my eyes from worthless things, and give me life through your word.
Psalm 119:49 Remember your promise to me; it is my only hope.
Psalm 119:71 My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees.
Psalm 119:84a How long must I wait?
Psalm 119:94a I am yours; rescue me!
All scripture is from the NLT version.
As you can see these scriptures spoke volumes to me.
Whenever we get in the shape I was in, remember to pick up your Bible and read the "Living" word of our Lord.
Every answer to every question we have will be there!!
Dear God, I thank you for your love, grace and mercy. I thank you for sending your son Jesus to come to earth as a little baby to grow and teach and die for our sins. Help me to remember what the real meaning of the season is. It's not about how much I spend. It's about the love you have for us.
God's Blessings to you.